Published December 31, 2007
Veiled Soul Contents
Scene 1-- you are here
Scene 2-- http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/post303495.html#303495
Author's note: I hope to publish this (in a thousand years), because I like the idea but must maximize it's potential. This novella contains no chapters, only sections. The story is an allegory to another. Kudos to whoever catches on! 
Veiled Soul
section 1
It began like anything else: with restlessness. I became weak, you see, if I settled down too long in any one location or occupation. Like a planet, I wandered incessantly from one life to another, because, as a human, I discovered joy only in novelty. Not being among the rich bastards who both run and ruin society, I could not afford to purchase new things to conceal the monotony of life. No, I hunted such things. I hunted distractions.
And so, driven by a familiar hunger, I went looking for new prey. It is hazy now, but I must have been gazing out the window of my hole, watching as starships passed smoothly by, when the idea to captain such a ship hooked me. It had been a childhood dream that was forgotten amidst the truths of reality, but now I questioned why I hadn't pursued it yet in these, the later days of my career. I had the credentials. Over the years, I'd piloted more ships than I could count--mostly small, corporate operations, shipping freight from one greedy company to another. Occasionally, when disharmony bred between two companies, I would pilot a fighter craft for one or the other, incinerating flesh for a good profit. But do not judge me; even amongst the broken bottles and empty cigarette packs that littered my floor, this was a foolish time when I had faith.
I set up a video conference with an old acquaintance who had set me up with a job years back. When I punched in his number, the window dimmed and produced a live video feed of a corpulent man, his thick hands folded neatly over his belly. He had grown notably fatter since our last correspondence and easily transcended the dimensions of the screen. "Keith, you old son-of-a-bitch, how are you doing?" he said.
"I need a job, Calanus."
"I can see that."
A major disadvantage to video communication is that the other party has a accessible view to your face, of course, and your surroundings. In this case, my beard was as unkempt as my apartment. But I didn't care what the man thought of me or my habitat.
"I have some listings from MinTech--mostly solo mining operations," he said, inspecting an electronic tablet that was minimized by his oversized hands.
"No. Something bigger this time, Calanus."
"Like what?"
"Something bigger."
He raised his thick eyebrows. "If you think you can--"
"I can manage it."
"Then your timing couldn't be better," he said gleefully. "I have something big you might be interested in--some important operation from MinTech. They're looking for a man--low profile--to go on some mission in deep space."
"Low profile?"
"I quote them directly."
I shrugged. It was enough for Calanus. "I'd be willing to connect you," he said. His voice trailed off, as if expecting me to say something.
I must have forgotten how the world worked, because I looked at him quizzically for a few seconds. "I'll send you ten credits," I finally said, feverish with my own stupidity. The fat hanging loosely from the man's jowls ballooned as he nodded, and he made the same grunt that I imagined pigs make when rolling in mud. With a few keystrokes, the transaction was made, and the conference ended.
With that, I trudged through the garbage to my bathroom, and when I emerged I had washed away the stench of booze and smoke that clung to my body and shaven away the gray sheets of hair that had concealed the splotches of youth that still lingered in my face. I set to organizing my apartment until Calanus' pudgy figure befouled my vision once more. "You didn't need to shave. There's no women where you're going--no real women, at least." I glared at him. "His name is Vargus," he continued hastily. "Meet him at the MinTech divison at Onari Seven. You have three days."
I gazed through his obtrusive image, through the semitransparent viewcreen, through the duraglass window, and into the blackness of space that laid innocently beyond, beckoning me like a lover in dire need of a touch I alone could convey. I sighed. "All right," I said. The man clapped his hands and vanished from the viewscreen, leaving unfiltered darkness in his wake.
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140,545 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Hiya, c'est moi *bows* and I decided that just signing your guest book wasn't enough. So I'll give you a couple of reviews, as most of the comments on here are overviews, and I hate writing 'em; I prefer pulling a piece apart bit by bit so the author knows what to improve on. Or, in short, I like using quotations.
Alors - *pulls a pastel pink, glass nibbed pen from her pocket* - let's go.
This was a... hmm. A rather queer little introduction; unlike any I've ever seen. It's not one of those that snags you from the word go, but it's not boring, either. It's sort of like listening to a speech by an interesting person; you sit, even if you aren't sure where they're going. Nice one. *applauds*
Slightly misleading sentence, here. You say that you wander from one life to another - we instantly think that you must be a fantastical creature. But then you say 'human'. *grins* Maybe you should replace life with a different word; one 'interest', one 'thing', one 'stage of life'. See what I'm getting at?
Amen.
This is one of those quirky little sentences that you have to stop and read twice. I was going to say something, but I read it again and suddenly the meaning shot out from the page. Very cool.
Where is this hole? Where is he? I know you say he's human, but for a split second I imagined him as a badger.
Not such a hot word; or if this is what you wanted to use, change the word 'passed' to 'sailed'. That way, the phrase doesn't become so jarring, and you also get the advantage of subtle alliteration (sailed smoothly).
A wholly confusing sentence.
Anyway - I think that this paragraph could be greatly improved by switching the 'had been' and 'was' into each other's places (as I have already demonstrated above); adding the comma after 'in these' makes the last part of the sentence a little easier to digest.
Another way to do it, if you think there are too many commas, is to delete the word 'these' so it reads: but now I questioned why I hadn't pursued it yet in the later days of my career.
I like this.
I underlined that particular quote because I have absolutely no idea what that phrase means. Is he referring to the present (as in, he has faith in drugs), to the past (having faith in the companies), or to what he is about to do (i.e. phone Calanus)? Help! If you could, try and make what he is referring to a little clearer; and if you ARE referring to his past, replace the word 'this' with 'that'. It'll do ya a world of a favour.
LEGEND - I love the way you've used such exotic vocabulary to make us laugh! 'Easily transcended the dimension of the screen' - best thing I've read all day.
Nice way to introduce us to his character, especially following your comical description of him just before.
Oooh, this is exceptionally nit-picky. But I'm gonna say it anyway. You know the two dashes I've put in bold? Ya - delete one of them, and then put a space on either side. The two dashes you've written are what you put at the end of a sentence, if someone is being cut off. (But you know that already.) It's not very important at all; but for the sake of correct ICT grammar, I figured I should tell ya anyways. *ducks and covers*
Huh? What happened here? This is me being ignorant now, so no sweat; but I don't understand... why was Keith being stupid? Was Calanus hinting at a bribe, or something? If so, all is well. If not, give us a little direction marker or something, so we know what he's getting at. We're not all as clever as you, man. T_T
EPIC WIN. *applauds you*
Because there's a long description following, I added in the colon to give the readers a little chance to catch a bigger breath. Adding the commas between the two descriptions and after 'when I emerged' stops us getting lost. The phrase 'splotches of youth' was really good, though; it gives us a little hint of his age, whilst reminding us that he looks older because of his addiction to alchohol and cigarettes. *applause*
Wooooow. If I wasn't philomatephobic, this would be the most romantic description I've read on YWS. I'll just pretend I'm in awe of it.
This would have been a great ending, but the words 'unfiltered darkness'... are they there because you're doing another of your quirky descriptions, or are they an omen of what's to come?
The fact is, we're semi-lead to believe that Calanus is the bad guy, because he's leaving 'darkness in his wake'. See what I'm getting at, here? Maybe a slightly different, less dramatic ending would be more appropriate; or maybe, dramatise his anxiety about commandeering a starship. However, this sentence for me seems a little out of place with the rest of your writing, especially as nothing terribly huge has happened yet.
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Overall comments
However, don't feel bad about it! As I was critiquing, I was suddenly reminded of an author who you remind me of. Alexander McCall Smith; have you heard of him? His best novels are almost as thick as the Harry Potter books because his sentences are long, philosophical and rambling... but for some reason I can never put them down! He has this beautiful, easy-going lilt that makes it as though he is telling you a story, face to face; envision a wise grandfather, recalling his most interesting memories to his grand-children on Christmas Day. He makes his jokes through use of his extensive vocabulary, too, and his books are riddled with incredible quotes and these profound statements that make his books a must-read.
Here's a better way to describe it: imagine two old Jamacian women, talking to each other under the shelter of a palm tree... and bingo. That is EXACTLY the sort of style you have.
Cependant, this is a sci-fi, so the lazy, meandering rhythm you have is lost under a circuit board of electronics, odd alien names, space craft and rolls of fat. (Contributed by Calanus.
Once you've finished writing this, I'd love to see you write a story based in our century, or maybe even a little earlier; a story where the surroundings and descriptions are familiar to you. I reckon that you wouldn't only enjoy it, but it'd bring out the best of your ultra-original technique. I'm already excited! *nudge nudge*
Woah - I've gone on long enough. Alors, I'm gonna go practise me some piano. Hope ya enjoyed this! ^_^
It looks rather exciting.
IT may just be my personal taste, but I feel that you might want to give the story a bit more of a personal feel. Yuo describe a mess and everyhing, and you describe it beautifully, but somehow, you just don't really get in touch with the character.
Aside from that, the story is very realistic and well-written so far. It could almost feel as though you were there, if you would just tweak it so the main character, or the man we're seeing now, was a bit more personal. It's quite good, and I'm interested in seeing more - gonna go read part two right now - but so far he seems like a mix between a flat character and a well-rounded one - something is missing.
I really liked this story, it had an essence of nature, and was flowing, i really enjoyed it, mail me if you have any more stories like this one...
A true masterpiece...
Excellent! This is very high quality work. As Kylan said, your vocabulary and dialogue is great. I do think I told you before with "The Death of Dark Samus" that you have a very mature, easy to follow style, and I'll say it again-- I like your style of writing. I think you have a very good shot at getting published if you continue to improve and polish your work.
The last part of this sentence confused me. Did you mean to write "there was a foolish time", meaning he currently has no faith, or did you mean to imply that this is the time when he has faith and that there is worse to come? If I wondered on that, I'm sure other readers did too.Again, with what Kylan said--> I do think the structure of the first paragraph is repetitious, but I didn't find it difficult to read. You might want to think about changing that.
I like your description of Calanus. I also like that subtle characterization of Keith--using his surroundings to describe his current state, his friends to describe his past, his shaving to convey his youth. Some people just say everything up front, and that is usually boring.
Something that irritates me is when the protagonist is sent out to find someone with nothing but a name and place. There's no address, time, description of the person he/she is trying to find. This is sci-fi, right? So, is this Vargus even human? It just loses credibility, for me anyway, and you're losing the opportunity to put in some info that might be relevent later, imagery/description of a new species (if Vargus isn't human). It's something to consider.
Anway, nice work, and I gladly like to read more.
Your style is lofty, to say the least. You can effortlessly describe emotions and situations and be satisfying at the same time, but you could easily lose readership with your verbosity and cerebral atmosphere. Consider toning it down a bit. I'm sure there are phrases and descriptions that can be made a little more down-to-earth. Then again, maybe you're shooting for lofty.
I absolutely adore your dialogue. Crisp, clean, decisive. Exactly how someone would speak. It's very refreshing to see that, since dialogue, especially a dialogue between to 'professionals', is difficult to pull off. Nicely done.
Your first paragraph is difficult to slog through. Your sentences all seem the same. Lots of commas. Consider restructuring them for a varied flow. More short sentences. Your second paragraph also falls prey to sentences with similar structuring. Rework it.
I don't see the allegory yet, love to, but I don't. I hope I can catch on by the next installment, which I'm dying to see posted.
Keep up the good work!
-Kylan
I liked this. The language and descriptions are really attention-grabbing.
"I could not afford, when restless, to purchase new things to conceal the monotony of life." I would cut the "when restless." It seems unnecessary. If one were to be trying to escape the monotony of life, it follows that they were restless. It sort of goes without saying.
"It had been a childhood dream that was forgotten amidst the truths of reality, but now I questioned why I hadn't pursued it yet in these, the later days of my career." - Consider making the comma after "reality" a period, deleting the "but" and making the sentence into two. Right now, it is almost overrun with words.
"Alright" - I am always getting that word wrong. "All right" is the correct spelling apparently... I hate that tricky bastard.
But this was wonderful. I really did like this. I hope that you do get this published and very soon. I am hooked.
you have a very interesting style. i like it. sort of like charles dickens writes science fiction.
this is a very good beginning. i enjoyed your descriptions and the mystery of the mood. can't wait for more!